Orsanovo

Flirting M.O.'s 101

2005-10-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

You know its occured to me in this whole self study/discovery that role really determine what I do, including the front line of love: flirting.

A little explanation. A role as I see it isnt changing my personality. its kind of like mood but not exactly. they change, and they kind of dictate how you act in the moment.

Example, lets apply what I already know about myself. With my mom as a role model, I've learned to play the role of victim in order to get attention. And I've noticed my self in general, trying to out do others with "Well this happened to me so many years ago" type stories.

When it comes to flirting, I find my self doing the same thing, repeatedly. Sub-conciously, I guess it's a stem off of the damsel in distress shpeil. Make them feel bad for me, then they'll want to make sure nothing like that ever happens to me again...cause ya know...I'm worth it.

Thats just friggin demented!..... Not the I'm worth it part....The victim role.

So how do I change up my role during flirting? During socialization of any kind really? I mean what others are there. There have to be others!

**posted on Curvy Chick**

A Tale of Two Bosses and other odds and ends

2005-10-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

There's a very intresting situation developing at work. I trust one boss completly, feel very safe around him and even have a small schoolgirl-esque crush on him. The other one, I am intimdated by. He's a professional actor, and at a point professionally, I would very much like to be eventually. His training and experience is cause for admiration, but it is a double edged sword. While out doing the acting part of the job, while he's supervising, I become very self-concious about how well I'm doing. He's done all this stuff and I've done nothing and I just don't want to let him down and have him thinking I'm a complete idiot.

Fin. Aid. is all taken care of so is the transcript request (the last time I have to visit Blake ever!). I'm just waitng for the course schedule book for spring term to come out. Pick out whats good, get to it early.

Thats it for now i guess
AJ

"Hauled in for Blog Neglect" ........What?! I've been busy!

2005-10-11T16:59:00.000-05:00

I guess it says something about how well I've been working on one of my little personal goals. You know that little one I've been tossing around for a while? Oh come on! You know! That pesky itsy-bitsy one about getting a life.

I'm thinking really hard about transfering to park ops. after HOS. is over. I could use the money and the cardio is doing me a world of good. Imagine if I worked there 5 days a week. I was also thinking about the good old stand-by of waitressing. There's a small family restaruant (Plummer's), that I officially adore. Wonder if they need anybody. Skillsets, skillsets. They're a lot like money, the more transferable they are the better.

Speaking of I have yet to figure out what to do with the money I'm making from HOS. I mean I have a rough idea. I want to invest some of it. Now if I had an clue as to how. I'm completely sure they never covered this in Economics. Oh god, I hope they never covered it in Economics. Oh well, says more for the teacher than it does me, doesnt it?

Registration is less than a month away, for spring term. Still don't know what I'm going to take. I need to go pick up a course schedule book. I need to turn in my transcript request. I need to meet with a couselor to make sure I picked the right courses for the next 2-2.5 years. I need to get in contact with an advisor from FSU and/or NCSA to see if I would even qualify for transfer with what HCC offers. That really self-concious voice in the back of my brain says "JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!....they'll laugh in you face...you stupid girl....what the hell is wrong with you head...to honestly think you could Succeed when all you'll ever do is plain Suck!".

This is what I contend with.

I'm not schitzo, I swear.

It's just ya know that voice of self-uncertainty. That little shread of victim fat-girl, trapped in the body of a fat girl faking the confidence, style, and grace of a skinny one. The part that got comfortable with doing nothing with her life, sitting on her ass. The part that found solace and saftey in the rut. The part that grew to love the rut, cherish the rut, adore the rut. She may have in fact tried to make love to the rut at the one point, I have no idea...I never liked her that much.

This is going somewhere, so more later.
AJ

These are the things I must get used to...professionally.

2005-09-26T11:11:00.000-05:00

O'Donnell's 'Head Cases' Canceled Already

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Chris O'Donnell's drama has been yanked after only two episodes.

Talk About It: Post Messages

LOS ANGELES (Sept. 23) - The ax fell quickly on Fox's "Head Cases," the first series of the new TV season to be canceled.

The legal comedy-drama starring Chris O'Donnell and Adam Goldberg was yanked after its second airing Wednesday, in which its audience dropped by about half from the first episode.

The series finished in fifth place for its 9 p.m. EDT time slot, drawing just about 3 million viewers, according to Nielsen Media Research figures. Its competition included ABC's "Lost," which drew a series-best audience of about 23 million in its season premiere this week.

In "Head Cases," O'Donnell played a hotshot lawyer whose career derailed after he suffered a nervous breakdown. His efforts to make a fresh start were complicated by Goldberg's character, a fellow patient and a low-rent lawyer assigned to be his therapy "buddy."

The new season officially started this week but the Fox show got a jump on it with a Sept. 14 debut.

For now, new episodes of the reality series "Nanny 911" will air in its time slot, Fox said Friday.

The ratings news was brighter for the network itself, which is up 51 percent in viewers for the start of the new season compared to last year.

09/23/05 16:33 EDT

They are phasing out all good telivision. I am completely convinced. Wonderfalls, Joan of Arcadia, American Dreams all very awesome, all very cancelled.

Headcases which included the very enjoyable, very funny Adam Goldberg (Saving Private Ryan, The OCD roommate in those few episodes of Friends) and the very fine Chris O'Donnell; was canceled after two episodes.
TWO!
I didnt even have time to really invest in the characters, who might I add were an odd but positviley contrasted pair.

These characters could have grown on me! It's a damn cryin' shame! I think I could have really liked it.

It's my Party and I'll Cry If I Want To.

2005-09-23T00:40:00.000-05:00

...

Great Powdered Thighs Rides...er Writes Again!

2005-09-18T01:51:00.000-05:00

Posted by KoKoDiva05 @ Curvy Chick
Big Girls Blue's
Hi ladies, as some of you may know, I am writing a book and my main character is an overweight teen who becomes an overweight adult. I am an over weight teen going into adulthood, and I have my own struggles with this and have been putting them into my book I was curious as to what experiences some of you may have had... Good or bad concerning weight. I would like to know so that I can put a more well rounded struggle into the story. Anything would be useful just need a little more inspiration and information to be accurate. Thank you ladies so much and have a blessed night

A Reply by AJ:
Sounds like you writing my recent biography lol.

The past 5 years Id say might be helpful, 15-20...the story of big girl growing into a mighty woman...hehe j/k.

In all seriousness, its been about defining love. not so much what it is, I'm still not completly sure. But more of what its not. Attraction not equating to love is one of the biggest things I've had to absorb. Because I had low self esteem from being overweight i was a late bloomer, cliche...i know. anyway When I started a new school at 17 I met bryan. The attraction was mutual but between his affectionate actions and my sense of hopeless romanticisim I convinced my self it was serious. I infatuated myself with him. After two years things were going great..in my head. Hindsight he was wishy washy A LOT. A week after graduation he broke it off, apparently It was too much for him and It was meaningless. I cried, of course i cried. For 3 days I laid in bed, over him. Then I went into denial mode. I was happy, I was working out, dancing, singing...hurricane bryan had passed and the sun was shining again.

Then a month later my mom called. Again. Begging for a plane ticket home from her tyranical husband. We obliged, wiring her her proverbial get of jail free card. It wasnt long after she got here I started really working on myself. I had made a pledge back when i was 15 to be as little like her as possible, as the last thing I wanted to do was end up living anything close to her life. I started observing my mom, seeing psychological trends and keeping notes in my personal journal, comparing my actions to hers. I found that I was breaking the promise I made to myself 5 years ago sensationaly.

When it came to relationships I was mirroring her. I found her (and subseqently myself) "emotionaly easy" . Any guy that showed attraction or intrest, immediatly became/becomes her everything, her life, her obbsession, her reason for living, her real love...on an emotional level.

I realized she did this because, she didnt value her self enough to be happy alone. Infact, at no point in my life has she been alone for more than a few months. It was my father7 years..divorce...6 months alone...Carlos-10 years..break up...2-3 months alone..Michael ever since. It occured to me that being apart of someone else is what validates her as a person, in her mind. She's trying to fit in somewhere. Story of my life since 2nd grade!

Since then it has really sunk in that I MUST learn to value myself as an individual. It's OK to be alone and work on myself...love myself for who I am; which is what I want to do at this time in my life. And when I want to date...I'll date...on my terms and not every little thing will be serious. It may sound silly but it was a hard thing to do, to really look at my mom like that, to accept those concepts, but it was quite possibly the greatest gift i've ever given myself.

You know what they say about apples and trees...

2005-09-12T17:07:00.000-05:00

Reposted from college confidential discussion

"Why should we hear about body bags and deaths. Oh, I mean, it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"~~Barbara Bush on ABC's "Good Morning America" on March 18, 2003.

"George was always such an uncurious child just like I was. It’s such an ugly world full of poverty and hunger. I did the best I could to keep him from questioning too many things."~~Reflections: Life after the White House

"As long as "those people" are kept outside of the country clubs and my home, why would I waste time sullying the pristine soul that God gave me? I’m so thankful that George turned out as vacuous as I am.."~~Reflections: Life after the White House

One month...

2005-08-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

At this moment it is exactly one month till the 20th anniversary of my birth...oh yay.

O Magazine....Echoing My Relationship With Mom

2005-08-22T20:48:00.000-05:00

For all those 19 to 20 yearolds looking to feel more grown up (just a little bit :D) go pick up this wonderfully written magazine.

I happen to pick up the July and September issues and I am convinced that my next extra $20 will be used towards getting a year's subscription.
I did it more or less as a joke really, just to see what the infamous OMag could add to my reading life.
Surprisingly, it was incredibly insightful. The July issue's mission (the theme each issues articles are centered around) was to encourage "going solo", being just a little more independent of a woman and learning to cherish alone time and use it to find out about yourself and how you could be living your best life. That's O's motto if you didnt know:
"Live your best life"
All the articles that issue really hit home. For all my life, I've been perpetually Cheryl's daughter or Jean's Granddaughter. Two titles I'm proud to hold, as both are ordinary women who have done extraordianry things. Still the need to branch out and come into my own has always been there, since I was little. I've written about it many times. I think seeing and hearing about all those extraordinary things has made me feel over shadowed a bit. Especially from Ma, instead of being my cheerleader, I've always felt like I was in an evertiring struggle of 'Anything you can do I can do better', with her.
I know it sounds selfish, but once, just once I'd like to hear someone say: "...And this is Ami's mother."

The August issue coincidentallly deals with "What's Next For You?...Getting Unstuck". An apt title if I do say so myself. And I do.
Yet another topic I've written about unmercifully is how stuck I feel here, in this skin, and in this life. The subject has become my broken record of sorts.
Anyway I started thumbing through, and I got to the included inspirational theme-keepng calendar. I hopped around the quips and quotes and the one for the 7th got to me. Christopher Reeve said it and ...there was something to it that gave that fading dreamer in me a swift kick.
"So many dreams at first seem impossible. And then they seem improbable. And then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable"
This hit me like a friggin' mack truck.
A couple pages over, things ventured down an even creepier path, when one woman wrote into Dr. Phil about feeling underappreciated by her mother. He told her "......If mom is unable or unwilling to nurture, support, and validate you; then you must give yourself what you wish your mother would give you." Ok where's the hand book -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somebody must be trying to tell me something. All these little hints are fun. Taking my mom to work, I noticed a church on the way has a cute addage up on the marquee. "You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind" Well, OK! I WANT SOMETHING I GOTTA MOVE MY ASS! I GET IT ALREADY! But for now it is nearly midnight and I'm tired. More rants later,
AJ

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

2005-08-20T19:39:00.000-05:00

I did not really just type that....

Anyway. I just let loose on my grandmother.

Lets start at the begining. A neigbor of ours cleaned out her book collection and gave them to me. She is very into Irish culture and one of the books was a travel how-to called "Rick Steve's Europe Through The Back Door". Great read...it made something I've always thought about doing sound so easy and fun; just taking off and exploring Europe for a month. So I went a little further, looked up a fe of the sites and started mapping out my own personal dream trip. Starting out in Barcelona and over the next two weeks covering Paris, Geneva, Nice/Monaco, and in the last two weeks the Mederterainean coast of Italy and Sicily. I found good prices and did my homework on the best quality priced hostels. I researched ISIC card discounts, and Eurail Flexipass prices...just to see how much it would all be for the chance to ~~take off,~~ rip of the blinders of Tampa, Florida, and the US for that matter; and find myself somewhere along the French Riviera.
Surprsingly, altogether I came up with a figure of under $2000. My mom was amazed at how much work I really put into something so spontaneouslly thought up.
That....was yesterday.
Today when I mentioned to my mom (while all three of us were watching big brother) about the benefits of the ISIC card, she thought it imperitive that she explain what I had swimmin' in my head. I saw it right away as the double edge sword that decision was. My mom mentioning it and how much thought I'd put into it might help, but on the other hand it is The Nana.
After the lovely segway from my mom, I started to tell her the details: the cites I wanted to visit, ect. Then I asked called her specifically ("....hey Nana") to stress the goodness of the plane fare. She just sat there sternly looking foward, and I stopped dead middle and did the same. Knowing that I was miffed she finally looked over to lecture me. "Ami your planning ths like we actully have the money to ever do it."
That female social instinct is dead on between the three of us - mom tried to remedy the situation by pointing out that I'm only 19, a kid, and that its ok to dream. These concepts were completley horrendous to The Nana. And then it happened, ( I swear it was the bad pie at Whistle Junction.) out of nowhere, one of the worst cases of verbal diarreah ever know to man.
"Well I'm not a 70 year old fucking bag like you! I actully want to go out and have a life!".
Mom chipes in sarcastically: "That wasnt very nice..".
"NO! It's True!". Cue the over dramatic storm-out, and.......cut film!

The really bad part is...I don't feel bad about saying it.

Over the past few days I've gotten some nice comments from a few choice people and that little voice that's ussually barely daring to call itself self-confidence, has been singing like the lead in Phantom. I beat myself up a lot mentally, I just don't consider myself worth anything good. I mean I'm just Ami!, you know. It's not like I've saved the world three times ( ;P ).
But this I feel like I deserve, I'm doing the legwork for it, researching everything. and if I really want to go I'll find a (leagal and tastefull) way to get it even if it takes a year or two.

Blah...I crazy, and I'm sorry and now I'm going to have that awkward no talking thick tension thing with her for a few days. No amount of damage control in the world is gonna make this even a little better. I'm just gonna wait it out for about a week. After the first couple of days, chip in a little extra around the house.
In other words, walk on eggshells til shes ready to be nice to me again.

God I just loveeee this life!

Thinking hard about the alternatives,
AJ

Lyrical Engineering Vol. #

2005-08-17T10:30:00.000-05:00

The lights are so much brighter the second time
Run away back, but the mess is still mine
The blades do their best but never get the job done
The ice gives in and melts like the setting sun

The bills arent paid
But my bed is made
Theres something to be said
For hot summer days
And so you pray
Hopin the night quickly comes
So the TV can tell you
Just how well you've done

My sandals and shirts continue to scream at me
"Were just glimpse of who you wanna be:"
Drama Queen, Fashion Slave
Do something noble, go find couple souls to save

Every night another war is launched in my room
Fire off the dead promises that could fill a mass tomb
Just as the earth cools off, we heat it up
You were wrong, no you were wrong, who gives a fuck?

The last part sucks I think. My eyes were getting heavy so....

Comment / Complaints 1st Edition : Nike Teen Vouge September Issue Ads

2005-08-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

Sent : Aug 15, 2005
When I got my Teen Vouge in the mail today, I made through it quickly with the usual compaines launching their new fall fare at me in the most creative ways their ad departments could come up with. An ad towards the back (pgs 286-287, to be exact) caught my eye. They layout was cool with a rather ample female's back side and some splatter paint.
Then I read it.

You guys rock!

Thats all I have to say...that and I'm in the market for a pair of quality tennishoes for a new job im starting...I'm thinkin' they're gonna be Nike.

Just doin' it,
AJ; Florida
Response: None Yet Recieved

To see the ad click Here

Wake Me Up When The Hot Fuss Ends

2005-08-12T23:19:00.000-05:00

Video code provided by HotCodez.com

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

I start ballin' every time I hear this song on the raidio and I have no idea why.

Any way. The 23rd is a month and a half away and for all those people I would like to think visit this site I am annoucing one of the things I want.

I'm picky about which albums I buy. I generally have to have heard and liked about half the album before I'm convinced that I should pay noon; and 4 outta 11 aint bad. I think I might just treat myself to it with some of the birthday cash I get.

Photobucket

2005-08-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

The Tipping Point

2005-08-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

With the return of my brother came the introduction of me to one Malcom Gladwell; well his writing anyway. While in the keeys my brother had done something peculiar. He had gone to a book shop. Ok, Ok peculiar for him. Anyway, in is ruthless pursuit of all things that equal a better life, he bought two books. The first - Cracking the Millionaire Code : Your Key to Enlightened Wealth by Mark Victor Hansen, Robert G. Allen, is out of bounds for me until he finishes it. Guess I'll never find out how to crack it. The second, he finished while still in the keys, so I'm actully allowed the dubious distiction of being able to read it. Lucky me.
No really, lucky me...it's a really good book. A good read for all the machavellian's, conspiracy theorists, and wanna-be marketing geniouses out there. Malcom Gladwell's The Tipping Point, examines the 'epidemic' principle and how applies to just about everything from HushPuppies shoes to Paul Revere's midnight ride, not just viral and bacterial infections.

I'm not done yet but it's intresting. This book changes the way I've been looking at things, especially chapter 2 - The Law of The Few: Connectors, Mavens, and Salesmen. It basicly states that there are 3 types of people that are at the heart of 'epidemic' trends. Connectors, who know everybody and spread the message; Mavens, who know everything about something, and want help others so they spread the message; and Salesman, the persuaders who tell the people they know how good something is and spread the message.
I've been examning myself and others around me latley to see if they are any of those. I am, like my grandmother, a maven, my brother is both a connector and a salesman, my mom is connector.
I gotta hand it to an author that makes me look at my own family differently. Go read this book, and you'll be looking at the world differently.

"Confusion is always the most honest response." - Marty Indik

2005-08-04T23:08:00.000-05:00

The Soupy Memory Syndrome is back again. It sucks again. I got an interveiw again. I applied for college ag....aheh um wait....thats new.

Hmm.

Updates

2005-08-01T00:50:00.000-05:00

Gallery Uploaded!

New Fanlisting Added: Daniel and Vala....cause there just so darn funny

Just friggin' depressed...Swallowing Double Edged Swords

2005-07-29T00:37:00.000-05:00

Well actully acording to Rollo May I'm not.

"Depression is the inability to construct a future"

My problem is not with what I can't imagine or not imagine, I've got plenty of that. It's the fact of getting it done. It's all so damn frustrating.

Hurry up and wait is the story of my life.

I swear to god, planning for it all will be the death of me. I honestly think I'll never have that nice life I think of in those little in between moments. The one where i'm independent and living in a downtown city studio apartment; either walking or catching a bus to my job a few blocks down the street. It's not all that unrealistic, is it? Me living soley for myself? Making it on my own. Making intelligent decisions about finances, living arrangements,...wether to get some thai take out at that little place on the corner or cook up something.

Its not like I'm asking to live in a mansion on a hill, with maids and champion stock bichon frise' running around.

That'd be nice, but it wont happen unless I put in some major work for a lot of years (and get a good agent). I mean this may sound crazy but if given the choice I'd take the prior.

Joey's (brother) coming back from The Keys. He's depressed about coming back here. I feel him on it, more than he knows.

Well thats it I guess, night
AJ

The blogger's code..and many other important things

2005-07-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

Did you know theres a bloggers code? Yeh me either. Apparently according to the Bloggers Code Survey I am:

My blogger code: B2 d- t- k- s-- u-- f- i- o++ x e++ l c++ (decode it!)

Dunh dun duh!
Dont' ask me what it means I dont know. However you can find out your standing against the code here http://www.leatheregg.com/bloggercode/
If you want to know what mine stands for use the handy dandy decoder they have up here: http://travis.kroh.net/archives/blogger_decoder.html. After you find out yours you can run it thought the decoder and pick up your html code, like the one i have above.

Apparently there is also the Geeks Code(http://www.geekcode.com/geek.html), just for fun i decided to cipher my personality against that list as well. My result:
GFA/PA d- s+:++ a---19 c++ u--- p l e? w++ n? o? k- w- o? m- v? ps+ pe+ y+ pgp- t-@stargate 5-@stargate x@stargate r tv(+) b(+)>b+++ di- d---- g e h-- r% x+

Blog Quickie? ...uh...what?

2005-07-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

I'm in a punchy mood. My grandmother sees it as pissy. I keep finding more and more things that annoy me about my mind. errrr... mom. What a slip.

The paper counterpart "Postage" is getting a work out lately. 15 or so pages have been filled pages over the past three to four days.

On the other hand that ever-enduring need to really branch out and GO DO SOMETHING! is surging up again. An aunt teaches classes over at Michael's Crafts I was thinking about taking one. Learn how to make watches and sell 'em (There's always profit in mind right?). I was given one of the onse she made and it was really nice. Another thing I've been really into lately is Free-Ed.Com. I love this site. As I told my friend Will, It is so awesome to be learning about something that I'm truly intrested in instead of having something shoved down my throat. The Archaeology and English Composition video course are so wonderful. There are worse ways to kill an afternoon than, ya know expanding your mind.

Ok just finished taking notes for the eng comp first video....and im dead tired. Im going to bed. More about more later.

Night yall,
AJ

"Mom, if you just stop talking when I tell you to, our relationship will go much smoother..."

2005-07-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

Short post tonight:

Mom's been in town for about a week.

OFFICIAL HISSY FIT COUNT: 4

It would been 5, roughly half an hour ago but she did'nt actully storm out of the room and slam the door so it does'nt count. My brother was giving her and e-lashing. Unlike a normal person she sits there and takes it instead of getting up and walking away. Always playing up the victim bit. Ugh...

On another note my brother actully cares for me as a human being, which is always nice to know.

I have neglected the online journaling a bit lately, in exchange for my handwritten one. I could say it's because I've had nothing going on, but it's very much the contrary. I've been busy....I went on vaction to my great aunts farm/mansion. To see my photo album click here.

Well, I'm tired. We painted the kitchen to day and i had the daunting task of the ceiling. So this is all for tonight.

Later,
AJ

GREEEEEN ACRES IS THE PLACE TO BEEEE!

2005-06-26T22:29:00.000-05:00

Ok well actully Twin Ponds Farm is the place to be. Thats my great aunts farm in Alabama. We went up there for a little weekend retreat and just got back this evening. I got some awesome photography shots and some other personal snapshots and movies I plan on posting when ever i get them uploaded.
We fished in one of the ponds (more like a small lake). It was the first time I had even held a rod n' reel in my hand. By the end of the day I had caught 5 of the 11 fish we used for the fish fry we had that night. Three bass and two blue gills. It was beyond fun. Just out there in the sund standing in the mud with the grazing cows a few feet away.

Prophetically Odd?

2005-06-20T23:05:00.000-05:00

Just after bitch about not feeling centered last night...something very strange happend when i went to bed. I cant say for sure what time it was but I'm assuming it was very early in the morning. I semi-woke up from an other wise very deep sleep thinking of a name.

Josh Lawrence.

Something told me it was ver important I remember it. I have no idea who this is. I've never heard the name in my life, and if I have it wasnt important enough to remember. So why was I subconciously thinking about it so intensely that it woke me up from a otherwise sound sleep?

Interesting...who ever Josh is I would suspect to keep a eye or ear out for him.

As a side note I also remember seing a pack of red note cards that had "Thank You" written on the front in gold foil sitting in a plastic bag on our dining table. I remember feeling mad but not being able to say anything about for some reason. I've been meaning to pick up some note cards and expressed to my grandmother that I do not want any that actully say thank you on them. She had run some errands and picked up a few things at walmart this morning before I woke up.
I descibed the cards in my dream and how i saw them on the table. She replied back that they had exactly like that and I almost got them, but remembered that I said I didnt want it with preinscribation so she didnt.....

"I am bored with it all" - Churchill

2005-06-19T17:01:00.000-05:00

I am.

Simply...imperitivly.

Bored.

Many big things are happening. A lot of things. But my undertone for everything is just...blah. Nothing's quite that important. My eyes feel constantly heavy and my head still physically feels spongey. I feel like I'm not thinking at my highest level. A feeling I've had for a while. It started to subside and my intuition and dreams were coming back very strong. I was dreaming vividly nearly every night, always in color.

However this feeling the spongeyness bolted back ever since my mom came back for her lil visit. I havent been able to concentrate or focus since, and there have been one maybe two dreams that I truly remember and even those werent in detail like my others.

I just dont feel centered.

I would try meditating but I dont know how and I cant focus long enough to read a site about it.

I have been highly seeking knowledge lately though. http://www.free-ed.net/free-ed/ is a great site I highly reccomend to anyone intrested in just learning.

'...But I thought she said she couldnt sit though reading pages of drawn out info'

They have video courses!...for some stuff. Archaeology is awesome really interesting they also have spanish(intermediate) and algebra.

It's help me kill a lot of time I'd other wise be killing playing SimJaffa(thats an inside joke)aka Legend of the Green Dragon. I'm not one for RPG's but this one is really funny and shiney brand new still in beta. So go help Eric and JT out and play! BTW I am Lt. Colonel Sam Carter - BEWARE THE UNRELENTING RATH OF MY RAMBLING TECHNOBABBLE! MUAHAHAH! Oh yeh and: Clan SGC RULES!

Ok I got nothing else. I guess thats it tonight.

dumm dee dumm...I have a new toy: a tripod for my digital camera.

I plan on taking it when we go up to Samson, AL to visit my great aunt (the title makes her sound older than she really is) she baught a house a few months back and my aunt sharon(acutlly my 2nd cousin once removed, but close to my moms age), who helped her move and goes up every few weekends, has been begging me and Nana to go since they got settled. Word is they have a pool...inground.

I like Samson already.

Oh right...moms coming home, bought the ticket myself.

God help us all.

Re: Wow... - FUCK THAT!

2005-06-14T02:48:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

HAHA America got it wrong!

2005-06-11T23:40:00.000-05:00

I knew my 4 hours of repeat dialing just to get in 20 votes wasnt for nothing:

Repost from http://dreamtyme.org/:
Pre-orders for Bo Bice's single release of "In Your Heaven" (flip side will be "Vehicle", RAWR!), which comes out a week after Carrie Underwood's release of the the same single (flip side will be "Independence Day"), is outselling Carrie on both amazon.com (he's #3, she's #14)and barnesandnoble.com (he's #1, she's #4).
Go Bo!

Curvy Chick - Chick Chat Fun Facts!

2005-06-08T00:35:00.000-05:00

Reposted from Curvy Chick - Chick Chat Fun Facts! will eventually be moved to the "the girl" section

Oh the idiosynchrosies
What a nifty topic!

- I've had chicken pox twice! (not generaly supossed to happen)
- Stargate SG-1 (and practically all of SCI-FI Friday) is a guilty pleasure of mine.
- I have a subconcious fear of spending money and when i have to or someone im with does i break out in cold sweats involutarily, no matter the amount.
- I collect journals.
- I've never been in a state that doesnt touch the east coast.
- Ive never flown on a plane
- I love football, hockey, and nascar (Bucs! Lightning! Jeff Gordon!Woohoo!)
- I cannot cook to save my life.
- I sing made up opera songs in the shower!
- I think i may have been victorian or edwardian nobility in another life as I have an obbsesive fascination with "ball gown" style dresses, crowns and tiaras and filigree jewlery.
- I was a complete 80's baby: Fraggle rock and alf were my favorite shows when i was little, I owned a talking teddy ruxpin, Feivel and a few cabbage patch kids, and when i learned to work the tape deck in my mom's Yugo at 3, it was because i couldnt get enough of the beach boys.
- I know a bit of html
- I hate driving!.
- I dont have a favorite color..i have favorite combonations: navy/white/silver(my future wedding colors), pink/purple/orange/brown, pink/brown, pink/black, turquoise/purple/bright green
- I sound like a guy on the phone!
- Like KM ive already picked out my childrens names (well atleast the first girl and first two boys): for the girl - Emma Alexondra (pron. Alexzondra, Emma for my grandmother and I love DOOL and the way its sounds when celeste says lexie's name) and for the boys - Declan Kim (my bf has always liked the name kim for a boy, and i like irish names and it was the only name that really fit with kim) and Jackson Sherod Leslie (this would be the 4th generation using one or more of these names: My great grand father was Leslie "Les" Jackson, my grand father was Sherod Leslie "S.L.", and my Uncle is Sherod Jackson "Jack", and Jack is my favorite short form of the many possibles)
- Im big on geneology and have confirmed that i have both confederate and union soldiers as ancestors!
- on my stomach with my chin up like a bear rug is my most comfortable sleeping position
- my ring and pinky finger are double jointed
- I can do splits and bow and arrow
- was suspended form school twice in 12 years (once for a catfight in 7th grade, the second for PDA with my now current bf in 11th grade)
- Facial hair, tallness, older men are all attractive to me
- My first kiss occured one week ago last night

Ok i think im done.....i just kept thinking of more and more!
night yall

-------------------------------------------------------
Ami J.

Wow...

2005-06-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

I say that with a happily breathless sigh.

If you noticied my post title isnt a quote, its because someone elses words could never possibly sum up May 31st, 2005.

It started with me being anxious about Bryan's dinner, wether or not he'd like the gift I got him, and the fact that had written absolutly nothing to go with his cards. It ended with me replaying one of the most incrediblybeautifulhotromantic moments of my life up til now over and over in my mind. I won't go into details. I'd prefer the exact memory only be shared by us, but if he's reading this...Bryan its been three days and im still having to catch my breath everytime i think about it! You got me. Good.

This of course was just one of two major events that happened that day the second of which is, life changing. Not to say the first isn't, you never really know do you? Lol. I got my diploma! I graduated! I'm done with the hell they call high school. It was very funny actully. Bry didnt attend his ceremony (i would'nt have either, if i had know about it, were just both not into the pomp and circumstance deal) Well, when his mom went to pick up his diploma from the registrar, they included a ceremony program. Later on she was looking through it and saw my name. Well Bry called me to tell me the semi-hopefull news. We werent home so when i saw his number on the ID I called him back and his mom answered and told me of her fantastic find, and recommended I call the school registrar. And the rest is as they say, history.

A third, minor thing that happened that day; that has quite a bit less impact on my life: I got my Pray for the Soul of Betty CD in the mail. Not really important but I had been waiting on it for 5 1/2 weeks! And it was nice to see it in the mailbox after we got home.

So now come the decisions. That old teenage angsty cliche about ...'what's next?....I don't know' is my reality for the time being. I wish IdyllicMom was here to help she'd be awesome...right now I think I'd settle for my mom. Nana just doesnt get, the "HEY I STILL HAVE BIG DREAMS!" part of things. My mom doesnt exactly either but, shes a bit more accepting. Being with Bry affects some things, maybe. Money (or lack of) affects many choices. My own fears, hang-ups, and idiosynchrosies; are all tossed in there as well. I want to act, performing deep down is my passion. HCC has been tossed around forever, as a means for this. Vancouver is still very much on my mind, but seems more and more far off. And then theres LA. My mom is there, acting (and waitressing, lol) jobs are there. Is a new life there? Gah! That old adage about the answer to one question being a thousand more questions is true.

Well I'm tired, theres no way I'm making it till 4am for "Chimera". Too bad too, thats a real sam/jack ship-important episode. Once ain't that bad: I'll catch the second airing at 12am tommorow. Heh..it always ends with Stargate, guess thats why im a fan.

G'night all.
AJ

"To exist just for yourself is meaningless. You can achieve the most satisfaction when you feel related to some greater purpose in life..." - Waitley

2005-05-30T18:13:00.000-05:00

Unfortunatley, this is how I feel at the moment. Like I'm just kind of existing, not relly effecting anything. Its not the greatest of feelings either. My creative output ussually keeps me from feeling that but lately my head feels clouded. I havent written anything in nearly 3 weeks. Above all else, when nothing else was going on, I have had that going for me and now without it I feel un and even counter productive.
It's almost sad really, I feel quite emotionless. I have my fears and worries as usuall, and yes I'm still putting their resolution on hold indefintly because the procrastinator in me tells me to, even though I know this is nothing but detrimental to me. All the main issues i should be dealing with feel like theyve become much to big for me. Kind of a forest for the trees deal. I'm attending Bryan's graduation dinner, this week; while my own educational future is made up of "I'll Adult Education, Monday"'s and confusion designed by indecision - stemming from dreams, conjured up during a much more melancholic time. His gift:

I'm supposed to be writng something to go with it. About no matter where he goes or what he does he will always essentially be Bryan. Hope he doesnt read this before tomorrow night (I seriously doubt it), as it will obviously ruin the whole thing, and then the outfit I baught will be the only thing i have going for me. LOL. I hope he likes it. I saw it and just kind of thought of him and thought he would.
A lot can happen in three years between two people. The actions of the two individuals can make enormous impressions on the other. I love him, like...well not a brother, not really a member of family...like family but...different...like a...best friend, but more than that.
In all events I'm a loser compared to him, and he deserves as much happiness as the universe sees fit, cause deep down hes a really good person. Sweet, even. Sorry just had to put that in there.

Quite a bit later....

Remember that whole no creativity thing i mentioned before....that would be why its taken me 5 hours to finish this post.
You know a fellow poster on curvy chick posted in her journal about why when,in those shining moment of brutal self-empowerment we can so easily make these huge rash decisions, that quite possibly make no sense. Thats what Vancouver is to me. Its this crazy idea that makes no sense. Maybe I needed that at the time...still need it. Something to look foward to. Some big giant change to shine a ray of elation on my self inflicted tedium (ya know the one i cant complain about ;) ).

So Conan's done with his monologue, maybe I can find some happiness in my sleep, tonight. Man thats melodramtic even for me.

"I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting..."

2005-05-16T17:42:00.000-05:00

Im not a big fan of hip hop, my brother is and is constantly trying to convert me. He yell's that im a poser for "listening to that stupid hippie ass rock shit" and "that its all about" 50 or Em or Dre or The Game or whoevers got the newest "hot shit". But just the other night he let me in on this new album he just got. An indpendent record: "Revouloutionary II", by an artist named Immortal Technique, who's supposedly very big in the underground rap scene. I wouldnt know, like i said I'm not into rap all that much. Unless its very mainstream I'll probably never hear about it.
But this is a special case, and I'm glad I did hear it. This guy was astounding.
Far be it from me, a 19 year old white chick who prefers System of a Down and Jack Johnson to Jay-Z and Kanye, to judge a hip-hop artist. Thats not what i'm doing.
I am infact propping an artist which I think is a rarity, not only in hip hop but in music period.
So whats the rarity? Why is this guy so special?
Three reasons: He's real, he's brutally honest, and most notably he's edjucated. The few rap artists I do listen to occasionally all are.
Most of the time its because they have taken it upon themselves to do so. I.T. has more knowledge packed into one album. Than most other artists of the genre exhibit over an entire career.
More intrestingly, he champions non-apathy. He forms his own enlightened opinions about everything from AIDS to Iraq to the South American drug trade. He has taken the time to get all the facts about what hes talking about, and then puts it out there to a hot beat along with his own fully thought out conclusions, encouraging listeners to do the same.
I'll tell why I don't listen to have a lot of intrest in hip-hop, it simple really. Nearly every one of the artists in the genre are braggers. And thats all they put into theyre music. Even if theyre low key undergrounders...they brag. About what they have, what they dont have, where theyre from, how they do things, how hard it was comin up, how hard it still is, how good it is now (if they're generally famous). Very rarely though, you get an artist, a true artist, who wants to educate and inform and make a little bit of a difference instead of inciting indiffrence.
I praise Immortal Technique, for being something that doesnt come along to much in any part of music: original.
No matter what your into do the world a favor....Go buy this album.

"Revouloutionary Vol. 2" - Immortal Technique

"Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe."

2005-05-15T02:20:00.000-05:00

Just a quick short post. I'm about to go back to sleep for the second time tonight.
I did a lot of work on my personal info page and finally got my gallery in order. Not all my pics are up just the 6 newest ones aka the "Talking Pillows" Series. All of which are hosted by photobucket. Which i highly reccomend...They're linked in the props section but I think they deserve more. They're very under appreciated ( i think) kinda like google. Every one takes them for granted.
Complaing seems to get you things...in my case complaining here got me my book. Well it got delivered the next day.
Anyway im loving it and people are right , it is the acting bible.
I highly vouch for Michael Shurtleff's "Audition"
mmkk well my go to bed alarm is going off...so i better do as it says...I'll explain about my sleeping sitchy later..its quite intresting, Youll love it i promise.

hi...again

2005-05-10T22:37:00.000-05:00

Ah my little red headed step child...my blog! lol.
Ok well lets get right down to it ive been meaning for sometime now to post my fanlisting codes. I'm a habitual procrastonator...so i have a few that ive been meaning to post over in the links section.

My poker face sucks yes i know...ok im lying i have 8 ( i thnk) ...that i just joined tonight. i started with Constantine and went crazy for a few minutes. Also as a side note: Please forgive my vagrant overuse of ellipses.

Anyway, mmmk so ive been doing my home work on this Vancouver move thing. I checked out Canadian Immigration and guess what...turns out they're actully picky about who they let in. Who'da thunk it?

You have to qualify for one of 5 visas, none of which I do. The one I'd be most likely to get is a skilled workers visa. Main stipulation though, is that you have to have proof of at least a years worth of job experience in a certain feild.

I have no job, job experience, or HS diploma. But silver linings have a way of emerging, I also have no money. So In finding, getting, and holding down a job. I'll be able to hoarde some dinero, about a years worth. Sweet.

Now about actully finding a job...I have an appointment with the postal service to take the written exam in a couple of weeks. If I pass I get to take a typing test. and if I past that I get to take a urine test. (While they are the department most everyone has daily interaction with, we must remember that they are part of the government....they hate spending money too. Which is why the drug exam is last. Right? right.)

Now for something completly different. Again I must request that all my adoring fans stop emailing me about posting new photos.

PFFT~SNORT~HEHE. Ok sorry had to laugh myself at the absurdity of that last line. First off i have gotten no emails, and second Ive never warned anyone on this site or anyother to stop emailing me. That, and the fact that it just sounded so damn arrogant. If I ever get like that for whatever reason, I have instructed my family to have me instituted ...or shot. Just not in my face. Id like to know that left a beautiful corpse.

That part im not kidding about.

In pursuant to my acting... i musterd up some courage ( I have a fear of spending money) and purchased a few books online.

"Churchill Plays : Two - Softcops, Top Girls, Fen, Serious Money"; I bought this beacuse Camryn Manheim said her first lead theatre roll was in Fen. I've read it and its good. The director in me wants to change the accents and setting from English countryside to southern US, the characters from dirt poor english women to migrant workers, and the time and language to something more recent. The story is good and the lead of Val is well writen, but I find my self being drawn to Angela. Shes just one of the girls, but at home shes in charge of her teenage step daughter whom she abuses badly because of her own insecurity. Shes so incredibly different from me. Being mean baisicly to show that she has power over Becky. Itd be challenging to play her, which is what makes her perfect.

The otherplays I havent gotten to yet, although Top Girls looks interesting, busy, but interesting.

The second book i got was Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House". I've read through most if it and i'm am stunned. It was written nearly 100 years before the sexual revoloution of the 1960's and 70's and here is this independent, TCB type woman. Nora is one bad bitch if I do say so myself. Shes kinda got this Brie Van de Kamp thing goin on. The local medical specialist even has a thing for her. And I do. Her lines in the ACT III, last scene are downright ballsy. Most women wouldnt dare say them today. Thats probably why it "scandilized" its first audiences back in the late 1800's, or so it says in the notes.

I would write about the third book I bought, "Audition", but I havent gotten it yet! Everyone
beware of Amazon seller: allnewbooks
S/He apparently ships slowly. S/He is a W****r. :) unlike
sellers florilibra and nengland4 who rock!
and ship uber fast...i got what i ordered from them withing 3 days

Well kiddies, its 0230....oh man millitary time. i gotta stop watchin streaming stargate on winamp. If only i could get on the curb your enthusiasm stream....oh well. More more much more later. But for now I leave you with some newbad poetry

Loss of the day AKA The stupidity of staying up all night.
The sun will not wait for me
I try to switch up my patterns
Try to outsmart it

My eyes can't stay open
While grandmother eats her eggs
I have lost

Sol Rey and Sueño Reina, heretical adversaries they are
Liking to condemn one to the war time standards ; as punishment
Even though the fight was given up long ago

I try to sneak past
Escape the new circadian adjustments
But its just too damn hard

6am on the clock
And the double heiarchy has sent slaves
To build pyrimids upon my lids

Within seconds the day is an apathetic teenager
Speeding along
I am the parent who knows nothing of it

For me the time between sunrise and sunset
Is literally but a matter of minutes
With faint scenes of the prophetic surreal spanning

Lyrical Engineering Vol. 2

2005-04-23T20:10:00.000-05:00

I found this in an old journal I came across last night...I have it down as untitled but, I think i;m gonna rename it Riddled With Allusion, 'cause its well...riddled with allusion. So much so that even I dont remmeber some of the stuff I was refering to. It's free form so...yeah here goes.
-------------------------------------------------------
I watch the Idols in front of me
What I wish my future to be
All this as I fall in love again
tottally absorbed in my fairy tale
Family laughs, as I yell
For attention
but I take no offense
as I write, let it slip
I'm happy with myself becasue everyhting is right
No need to fight tonight
While I shoot the moon
and wish on a lonestar thats oh so far
for the simple fact
that we have so much in common

And little Frankie wonders
If anyone wants him to live
While Angela keeps watch by the fire
It's his story that inspires me
I want to be free

Royalty in a passed life
The fashion I still hold dear
The starburst on my hand
Represents my fear
spiralling down...
and again I see
the few who are far between my lies
monday and thursday nights
Are my sanctuary

And Anne again wonders
If she will ever be free
On that third floor
with only kitty for company

Nor sing me another illeagal tune
Make it worth my while and I'll pay noon
Somewhere between you and
Chris my inspiration flows
Now I know Im happy that this is what i chose
And give Aly the message
That I forgot the call
Also tell Blue that its Ami!
and I'll straighten it out the next time i see him.
but until then
I'll still worry about him driving hime alone in the rain.
to me its' all the same
as that lil game me and bry playy again and again

And I wonder thoughtfully
Does anyone really want me around
Get Nana back and I'll think about
Not leaving town

Who am I kidding
It will all end again before its begun
Lack of location shakes up my fun
And I think again
Im just a little crazy
Nothing to defend
'Cause I'm just feelin the same way
all over again

Yeh just
Feeling the same way
all over again

"Welcome death, quoth the rat, when the trap fell"

2005-04-23T19:39:00.000-05:00

Thats right we have em'. Furry iccky rats..ugh! Theyre disgusting, we're not. Why we have them I'm not sure. We heard running in the attic all winter long, but never saw anything. Aparently the warmth of the oncoming summer has coaxed them back toward the earth. They are stealthy. Unless caught, gone, as quick as they came. You hear them behind walls nibling at paper or cardboard. We find the evidence later. Since im an insomniac you'd think I'd have had more run ins with the lil buggers. But so far I have only seen two. The first on the front portch back around January. Grey and fat; it's eartworm tail ruined its cuteness. The second was just the other night, behind the toilet we had set a small trap. Around 2am...snap. My grandmother comes to warn me, knowing i was on my way to my ritual shower for the evening. With bathrobe and personal stock of lavender liquid soap in hand I stepped into the bathroom not knowing what to expect. She said it had been trapped well, and that it wasnt going anywhere, so I did'nt see the need to be worried. As I looked down round the washer, it was sad. He,she, it was still breathing. The trap had caught below the desired spot and not broken its neck, so it was still breathing. The fur around it's eyes was darkened with moisture...tears?...I dunno do rats cry? It startled me and caused me to lose my breath when it kicked its back legs for some attempt at freedom. It'd do this twice more. I would flich twice more. I ran back down the hallway and begged my brother to come take care of it with his bb gun. There was after all no use for it to suffer. He wouldnt do it...I couldnt. Im a crack shot, close range is nothing, but I'm not a big fan of splatter. So I did nothing, got my shower and went to bed. I should have just took the shot.

I knew my mother had it in for me from a young age. My bath toys were an electric toaster and hair-dryer....

2005-04-22T11:09:00.000-05:00

Mom flew in two weeks ago. She flew out this morning. The whole to do was (contrary to popular belief) uneventful. She cried, Nana cried, I just stared off in front of me wishing for bed. It was after all 0430. And overall I felt slighted. She was supposed to be here for 3 weeks and got called home a week early. I felt like I was cheated outta my mom some how. Unless something serious happens, I probly wont see her for another year or so....and we didnt even get to go to the beach! i did lobby like hell though. Shoved it in at every oppurtuity how much we need her here. Even the whole time I was conflicted. We do need her, she causes a lot of unessacary stress but, she was worth the trouble. But, that was only part of the reason I wanted her to stay. I want her here because she keeps me sane. I told her that from day one she got here. She vaildates my sanity. So yes, my reasons for wanting her here are more or less completly selfserving...but dammmit i want my mommy!

A new happy shiny pic for all my adoring fans *sark*

New Linkage

I have a new link on the links page...you can now buy stuff for me. Email me for my shipping addy, if you seriously would like to buy me something.
Thank you card garanteed ;)

Lyrical Engineering vol. 1

2005-04-18T04:50:00.000-05:00

So tell me about the day
You realized the world did'nt care
When Sheryl Crowe became your goddess
And Tony kiedis made you cry

Remnisce about the way
Your killer eyes send cold stares
When your fear for life made you confess
How you didnt want to say goodbye

How your spirit wanted to fly
How you didnt want to say...

This is how I feel about you
Now do what you want to baby
Try to understand
That this little girl
Has a big thing for you

I fall a lil more each time I see your eyes
I do..
Cause I'm so in love with you

this goes out to all my fellow brainfried insomniacs...

Rummy dum dum pavillion

Rummy dum dum I need sleep

Rummy dum dum one in a million

Rummy dum dum z's dont come cheap

Brunette blessed with a blonde soul......

A tease a please a sea's a treason

Every day is good for leaving

Everyday's a motor rev

What's that good ol' book you read?

Lyrical Engeneering is a segment I post quite frequently, as I tend to write quite frequently. A lot of the stuff i right branches the same subject during each post, because I ussually write about one thing at a time. Some time around 5am when im dead tired and slobbing around in bed naked and no reads this blah halb richard dean anderson is dead sexy.

In My Wildest Dreams Pt. 1 - 101 People You Meet In Hell

2005-04-12T02:18:00.000-05:00

I wasn't dead but I was in Hell. Perhaps I was in denial. Anyway, myself and about 100 other strangers were checking' out the place. I decided to be a smart ass and asked our host (Judge Judy...did I mention that?) if I would have to wait 1200 years to use the can or something. As gracious as she is, she said no and an industrial sized door appeared in the wall and all hundred of us shuffled into this great room with stall one for each of us at the back. But I noticed something right away, as one does normally notice something not normal. The doors on the stalls only came down to about bust level from the top, allowing everything to come into view when you...ahem...went. Again being the smart ass I went ahead and used it anyway as I really needed to go. Of course I did slink back into the stall as far as could as to retain a lil' modesty. When I...um...finished I stood up and re-robed my bottom half and tried to make my exit. But I couldn’t. Judy then chimed in that snakes on the doors above us formed a force field and we'd only be able to get out if the snakes moved. Sure enough on top of the doors and walls of the stalls there were long black snakes. They were mostly unagitated, hardly any of them were hissing. Be it to say I didn’t feel afraid of them. Lucky for me, my snake made haste in moving its butt. And I pushed the half door open within a few minutes of being shut in. Apparently, I was the only one who had made it out thus far, and found Judge Sheindlin on a large throne like mahogany carved bench at the end of the room. Suddenly it was like I was in the middle of her show.
"What do you do?"
"I'm in high school"
"High school! Your 19! Why are you in high school?!"
"I had some stuff going on and I missed a year"
"Your a bum. What are you doing after high school?" She said, mockingly. The non-intimidation of the snakes had worn off, and cowering like a dog with a rolled up newspaper over its head, I uttered:
"...college?" Then it came. That laugh...that thick Brooklyn born howl.
"COLLEGE! HA! YOU ARE IGNORANT! NO NO YOU’RE NOT GOING TO COLLEGE."
"WHAT?! WHY THE HELL NOT?!" The insult was angering. Who the hell was she to say some shit like that... bitch... ooooooo... must kill... stupid ho..
"Because let me tell you something...."
And poof, like that everything went dark, off-black actually. The dream was over. I would never find out why Judge Judy thought I wasn't going to college....
So great now I've groomed myself to avoid conflict in my sleep. I'm such a Libra.

In My Wildest Dreams, is a segment I put in occasionaly..when I have an odd dream thats particularly vivid that I can remember. This is a frequent occurence with me...dont ask me why. But it does make for some very intresting reading sometimes. **Note** other than the occasional slight OTC abuse I do not do drugs of any kind nore do I drink.

Ranting in/on/over Spanglish

2005-04-12T00:11:00.000-05:00

As the movie wound down the tripple supersized PMS dose of estrogen was getting to me. My eyes were welling becuase it was so nauseatingly sweet; but more than that I found myself musing silently how thankful I am that the outlook on my relationship with my mother isnt as gratuitist as Christina's. "The true definition of me is that I am my mothers daughter."I am in fact my mothers daughter, and yes I have some of the same quirks, but when it comes to life...the future...Its caused me to question my maternity I am sooooo thankful that my outlook on the relationship with my mother isnt as gratuitist as Christina's. I'm also thankful for notepad.

PMS is an intresting thing. You generally know when its coming. You know whats its going to do. And try as you might to keep it all on the down low, it will rear its ugly head at the most inopurtune times. Tonight is one of those nights. We watched a bad Sandler dramady, it made me cry. I wanted to take the whole container of leftover maccaroni for dinner, and nearly got in a screaming match with Nana. And I was less than tolerant when I brought the dog in, making idle threats to lead him into the rat traps on the back portch.

I dont get it it i should feel good! And happy. My mom has prooved me right on everything in the few days shes been here. I baught a swimsuit that looks about as good as im gonna get. Im more set on vancouver than ever. Were going to the beach. Bryan might come. and i should be happy...
Happy...yeah...

It feels like ive got a huge bubble in my chest...not painful preasure...just right above my sternum and in my throat...its just airy.
I need a drink...dont tell my mom...lol.
I need something.......
Bryan would be nice but he's not around and I don't want to call, he might be at work....
Joey's lucky: he takes being able to take off when ever for granted....I could too if I had teh nuts to get over that whole fear of driving thing. God I could hear him now...." Man...thassomebullshit!" he's so lucky....
I still need something.
Tylenol maybe? An OTC Cocktail? Couple o' motrin, a few tylenol, a couple tylenol arthritis, some anacin...and a bed catch me.
Maybe its Vancouver I need. I still don get the attraction myself. But something I know that could make me feel as free as I think that city could, doesnt need questioning. I t really is a nice city. It'd be a real nice life. I think deep down way back there that rational part of my brain still has a heartbeat... maybe its Terri Schiavo'in it. But it's not that thats holding me back. It's lack of self confidence that holding back. I know that. Of course I know that. It's whats always held me back. At 13...At 16...and now at 20. gah! only 6 months until The 23rd.
2 Anacin, 2 Tylenol Arth., 3 Motrin....with orange juice to make it dissolve quicker.
2 hours later....0230 hours.
I just printed out a passport application. All it needs is a signature, 90 bucks and a couple of pics....nice

more drabble later

"Get busy living, or get busy dying." - Stephen King

2005-02-14T01:25:00.000-05:00

Ok here goes... Friday night I have terrible insomnia after getting back from a Booth Brothers Concert at my uncles church and don't get to bed until 3 or 4 AM. Saturday, morning, I'm up at 8am...I have a UDC meeting in Clearwater at 9:30 and I'm carpooling with my chapter president. She arrives and we head off across the bay. The meetings great I meet a bunch of members from other chapters...Its confirmed that IM the youngest officer in Florida. We go over organizational business then lunch is served. The meetings over at 1pm and we head back to Tampa. I do some work when I get back home and chill for a few hours or so then I IM my cousin and ask if were still on for the Duran Duran Concert she say OH YEH! So I get ready and we head to her house in temple terrace at 4pm. I get there and chill with aunt Bev, cuz Lisa, and her friend Katie. At a few min later we walk a few blocks down to Walgreen's and get some water since were all a lil' parched. Then we get on bus at 430 to head downtown. Because of the Sant'yago Knight Parade the street are blocked off so there isn't a bus running straight to the forum so we get off as close as we can and find out we cant cross because the parade already started. So we walk about 1/2 mile to get around the parade and then about mile and half up to the forum. It was about 40* and all 4 of us had stitches in our sides from hoofing it with out stretching or warming up or anything..LOL. So we get to the box office and buy our nosebleed tickets. Got a some of t-shirts that were ridiculously overpriced and headed to our seats. One of the speakers on the rigging was blocking our view so we moved down to a barren handicap area so we could see all the guys. It was cool cause it was open area with folding chairs instead of bleachers, almost like our own skybox or something...So we did what you do at a rockin concert.... We danced. For 3 hours straight we danced screamed clapped sang and rocked out. It ended around 1am and we hailed a cab home. We had this cool Indian dude who made the interstate seem more like a rollercoaster. We got home and I knew I had to get to sleep...(Lunelle aka the chapter president, had asked me if I wanted to got to the Celtic festival the next morning) but we hadn't eaten anything since 4 so we ordered a pizza...Papa johns delivers till 3am!...Around 4 I finally fell asleep...Which was a feat considering they have no heat in the apartment cause the land lord wont fix the stupid thing and we were all freezing our tails off. 8am I wake up, right after we got in the previous night my grandmother had called and said that Lunelle had called and said shed pick me up from my cuz's house at 9am. So I get up grab a shower and change into the extra outfit I had brought along and down a Bavarian cream and some milk (auntie walked down to Dunkin' donuts) I get my foundation on and ...Knock knock Lunelle's there...I pack everything up and say my goodbyes and thank you's...And Lunelle and I take off to Zephyrhills. We get there and set up for the raffles we have going on and make ourselves comfy. The temp is about 35-40* but at least I wasn't in a hoopskirt and stuff like lunelle...Every time you take a step you get a lovely draft....brrrr...Which explained the all the petticoats. The boys from the SCV camp were welcoming and were already out playing the banjos and guitars. We handed out stickers and sold raffle tickets all day up until lunch time when we went and got some lunch and did some window shopping....I tried to get my hands on a Buchanan tartan but they wanted $45 and I didn't have that much on me. So we headed back over to the tent and did dome more selling and packed up around 230 and headed back to Tampa. I was so tired that I nodded off in the car. LOL. By the time I got back to Tampa I was really starting to feel the effects of running on so little sleep came in and went right to bed at 3...Which I really shouldn't have done because I woke up at 130 few hours ago and I'm not tired and my sleeping patterns gonna be so messed up now. gahhh! And that the story of my CrazyBusySleepDeprived Weekend.


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